- Homer: Well, crying isn’t gonna bring him back … unless your tears smell like dog food. So you can either sit there crying and eating can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food to make your dog come back, or you can go out there and find your dog.
Bart: You’re right, dad! [leaves]
Homer: Rats! Almost had him eating dog food!
- Homer: Aw, I have three kids and no money. Why can’t I have no kids and three money?
- [Superintendant Chalmers sees Principal Skinner's kitchen on fire]
Superintendant Chalmers: Good Lord, what is happening in there?
Principal Skinner: The Aurora Borealis?
Superintendant Chalmers: The Aurora Borealis? At this time of year? At this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen?
Principal Skinner: Yes.
Superintendant Chalmers: May I see it?
Principal Skinner: No.
Homer: “Aww… 20 dollars? I wanted a peanut!”
Homer’s brain: “20 dollars can buy many peanuts!”
Homer: “Explain how!”
Homer’s brain: “Money can be exchanged for goods and services!”
Homer: “Woo hoo!”
Homer – Hey, how come you never play your guitar any more?
Bart – I’ll tell ya the truth, Dad. I wasn’t good at it right away, so I quit. I hope you’re not mad.
Homer – [sweetly, with heartfelt music] Son, come here! Heh heh heh… [Bart sits on Homer's knee] Of course I’m not mad. If something’s hard to do, then it’s not worth doing! You just stick that guitar in the closet next to your short-wave radio, your karate outfit and your unicycle, and we’ll go inside and watch TV.
Bart – What’s on?
Homer – It doesn’t matter.
Homer: Well, what do you think?
Editor: This is a joke, right? I mean this is the stupidest thing I’ve ever read!
Homer: What’s wrong with it?
Editor: You keep using words like “Pasghetti” and “Momatoes” You make numerous threatening references to the UN and at the end you repeat the words “Screw Flanders” over and over again.
Homer: “It’s so hard to get to 500 words”
Editor: Homer, what gives with this review? You say the salad tastes like bark and the potatoes were very grrrrrrr. This reads like it was written by a dog!
- Homer: Stealing? How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those “Police Academy” movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughing! Did you?!
Old Chinese man: Take this object, but beware, it carries a terrible curse
Homer: ooo, that’s bad
Old Chinese man: But it comes with a free frogurt!
Homer: That’s good!
Old Chinese man: The frogurt is also cursed
Homer: That’s bad.
Old Chinese man: But you get your choice of topping!
Homer: That’s good!
Old Chinese man: The toppings contain pottassium benzoate.
Old Chinese man: That’s bad.
Homer: Can I go now?
- Grampa Simpson: I used to be with it, but then they changed what it was. Now what I’m with isn’t it, and what’s it seems weird and scary to me. It’ll happen to you…